3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
