The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
