I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
