I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
