my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
