Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've blown a few things in my day
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
