If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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