I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
