why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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