Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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