i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
