Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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