How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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