She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i came on her dog
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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