My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
