things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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