I met the friendliest cop last night
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
