I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
