Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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