if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
