well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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