At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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