at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
