his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
