Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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