i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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