the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
