so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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