Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
