His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
