her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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