So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
