Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
