spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
