I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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