I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize