she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
