I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
