my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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