My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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