If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sext me about skeletons
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
