We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
