i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
