you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
