Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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