The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize