can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
