Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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