I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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