You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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