Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize