I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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