Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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