can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
