just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
