My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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