Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize