We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize