I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
