Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
