somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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