and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
