i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
And then he peed in my hair
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