im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
